Episode 1: Ten Characteristics of German Men

I live in Germany for almost half a year now. Since I moved here (apart from other things), I have been studying these amazing creatures, called “German men”. Though the results of my “scientific” research are preliminary, they are definitely worth reporting. Ten characteristics, identified below are, of course, generalizations (there are exceptions from every rule), however, I think that they more or less accurately describe the overwhelming majority of German guys. Enjoy!

Ten Characteristics of German Men (with explanations):

1. Beer-worshiping. For every German guy beer is his best friend, his mother and father, his sense of living. Beer may replace anything and anyone. German guys can drink an enormous…, unthinkable…, unbelievable… amount of beer. I have a friend, who sleeps with a bottle of Spaten München (a brand of Bavarian beer for those of us, who do not know what it is) instead of a girlfriend. Isn’t that amazing? No further comment…

2. Greed. Unless they are buying beer (for their private consumption!!!!) spending money makes German guys positively hysterical. Especially when they have to spend money on women (they think that nowadays women make enough money to afford buying a drink in a bar, so why bother making a good impression?) I am not saying that men should buy us diamonds and Ferraris, but treating us every once in a while with little things is actually very pleasant. But you can pretty much forget about anything when you are dating a German guy. Another thing that I don’t get is that they never tip these poor waitresses. Once I went out with a couple of German (male) friends and they thought that 20-cent tip on an almost 80-euro bill was way too generous. DISGUSTING!!!! As a matter of fact, they always look at me as if I have just got out of the mental sanatorium when they see me tipping 10%. Let me give you another example from my own experience. Once I was down with the flu and had to stay put at home over the weekend (don’t we all just love when it happens?). When I was back to work on Monday one of my colleagues (instead of asking me how I was feeling or at least if I was all right) said: “You should have gone out with us on Saturday. We bought a bottle of Whisky and had to split the cost among 3 people. Had you come along we could have split the cost among 4”. – You can see, they really missed me:)))! Finally, the most notorious case of greed (get ready – this one is really shocking). I have a German friend (the guy is far from being poor), who did not even get an engagement ring for his fiancée (though, for some reason she was totally OK with that). Now, this is serious, don’t you think? One of my friends says that German guys always try to maximize their utility. I actually disagree. I think they minimize costs (and this is not the same).

3. Extreme underconfidence. One of my British friends said once: “I love English guys because they act before they think, if they ever think. I love German guys because they think before they act, if they ever act.” I do not know much about English men (though I would really like to find out more) but the second part of this genius phrase is actually very true. German guys never make a move before they are 100% (ok, 99.9%) sure that this action will cause the reaction they want. This concerns both their job and their private life. They prefer to “talk to the right guy” before they (for example) apply for a grant, so that their efforts are not in vain. In any case, for German guys risk seeking is synonymous to suicide. I wonder why they have these casinos in Germany? They all must have gone bankrupt by now. I guess they keep them for some weirders and foreigners:))… In their communication with women this “special feature” called “extreme underconfidence” is even more apparent. For illustration, consider the following example from my own experience. Every day I go for lunch with my colleagues (who are mostly men). For the last 3 months there was one guy (we actually do not work together, but he is a friend of one of my co-workers) who was coming with us every day. Last week we had an office party and for some reason he was invited there too. After consuming quite a few bottles of “the sense of living” from #1, he walked up to me and told me that he really liked me and was coming for lunches with us just to have an opportunity to see me and talk to me. Flattered by this unexpected confession, I left him my cell number. And guess what – it has been a week and he still never called me. I guess I have to wait for another 3 months until he gathers enough courage to do this.

4. Hilarious outfits. When you look at the way German guys dress today, you start to doubt that Karl Lagerfeld was born in Hamburg. Even though he once said: "I don't like standard beauty – there is no beauty without strangeness.", I think he would agree with me that there is a big gap between being “strange” and being “hilarious”. In part this is probably the result of #3. I think that they have problems with combining things. Just one example – there is a guy, whose office is next to mine and I see him more or less every day. His usual outfit is the following: baggy pants of bright orange color (too short in length), white socks, sticking out from bright greenish keds, long sweater in black and blue color (hard to tell when he washed it last time). Plus, a very important accessory – dirty hair (I am not going to say anything about shaving – make your own bets). Obviously, this is an extreme example, but on average, I think German guys dress funny (unless, of course, they work in Frankfurt and wear nice suits).

5. (Very) bad taste in women. I think that this stems directly from #3 and partially from #2. I can write pages and pages about this particular trait of German men (may be I will tell you several stories later on). It is just every time I am taking a walk, I see men with really ugly women (I am not sure – may be beautiful women are hiding behind the metal and glass of the cars with their men – and that is why you cannot see them in the streets?). Anyway, it is a mystery where German guys meet these ugly women (may be there is a special secret school or a fabric, which produces these practically deformed creatures). On the other hand, beautiful (and smart) German women seem to stay single for a very long time. One of my friends, who is a real knock-out, had to go through all this hell of internet dating to get herself a boyfriend. The reason I think is obvious. When German guys see a beautiful woman in a bar, they try to find any excuse not to go over and talk to her due to their huge inferiority complex. And if they have the guts to do that, they try to find any excuse to end the conversation asap. I think this is a real travesty. As a result, best German women either stay single or get matched with generous Italians or better-mannered French.

6. Bad manners. German people in general and German men in particular are very formal and polite at work (no doubt about that). However, what German men have at the work space, they completely lack in private life (especially when they drink). Again, the real world example. One of my friends was really lusting over one guy. Since (like all German guys) he was very underconfident and shy my friend (knowing for a fact that he was single and interested) decided to make a first step and asked him out. And you know what was his reply? You would never guess! He said: “Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but I would rather watch TV with my friends instead”. I would never say something like that even to a person that I really hate!

7. German guys take everything personally (even friendly jokes). Do not even think about joking with a German guy. The problem is they take everything literary and very personally. Not only that they do not have a sense of humor, they also do not have a feeling that they do not have a sense of humor. I have one friend, who told me once that he was going to the gym three times a week. Jokingly, I said that he did not look like he was working out that often. What can I say – he would not talk to me ever since…

8. Soccer mania. This is a very important attribute in the life of every German guy (almost as important as beer). German men are addicted to soccer. Not only do they watch all these matches live, they also buy DVDs with the matches they saw in the past. Do you know any American guy, who would buy a Super Bowl DVD after it is over? Well, unless he is a coach or a collector, this is very hard to imagine… Miraculously, what German men completely lack with women, they gain in their fan endeavors – they seem to become quite aggressive when they are cheering for their favorite teams.

9. Lack of imagination. It is my belief that German guys do not have a capacity to invent and surprise. It probably follows from their rationality. For them it is better to simply follow the scheme of behavior, created by someone else than to find their own, unique way. The main problem is that as a rule this lack of imagination is often coupled with an extreme attention to details, which seriously inhibits the capacity of German men to reach their goals.

10. Hypercapacity to complain. German men in my experience complain more than women. Let me rephrase that. German guys complain all the time. An interesting thing is – they often take too many responsibilities or tasks on themselves and then they do not know how to deal with all these problems. It is like this line from the famous movie. First they create this rainy weather and then they stand in the rain going like: “Shit, it is raining!”.

Having said all that, German guys are actually very lovely creatures. They are quite friendly (if you do not try to take their beer or their money from them) and charming (if you meet them in the office).

That’s all for now!

Cheers,

Tara

P. S.

If someone knows other important characteristics of German guys or if you strongly disagree with one (or more) of their features crafted by me here, I will be more than glad to read your thoughts on this issue.